February update and the Machine Running my Thoughts

After a somewhat scary, alcohol-related meltdown by the end of a couple months’ self-destructive depression in December I decided to get better. That was a decision I believed I could keep. I did, for at least a month, now I’m not so sure.

Things are somewhat the same as last year before my new downhill. I don’t feel constantly anxious which is an improvement. I thought I’d drink less so I don’t have that many anxious-depressed-hangovers which might be an improvement. The downside being that I no longer do anything because everything social around me revolves around drinking events. I sit at home and watch tv-shows or play World of Warcraft.

I’m happy about school since it gives me somewhere to go almost each day. The problem is that I never want to go anywhere. I like being at school and studying most of the stuff we have this semester. I like the people in my school group. I just don’t like going anywhere: it’s freezing cold, there are people that I have to notice and evaluate their probable evaluation of how I seem, I have to think of how to act all the time etc. Or maybe I don’t have to, but I do. It’s something that goes on in my mind each moment of each day and something I can’t turn off. Most of my social anxiety and uneasiness is because of this thought process that occasionally (every 5 minutes?) gives me a stupid rational problem like “that guy talked to me with that tone because he doesn’t approve of me as a person and doesn’t want me to be near him”. And the reason probably was that he was tired and had a sore throat. Or that I was right and should avoid causing him more harm with my presence. Then I start obsessing about this uncertainty and doubt in my head until I’m too anxious or scared to go anywhere near him. Unless I get more proof that turns this scale in another direction, such as the person smiling at me telling a joke.

That’s not even something that I think regarding the people I see on a daily, weekly or bi-monthly schedule. I’m not just obsessed about the people in my school or a social circle liking or hating me. The deduction process is always active when there are people around me and even when I’m alone but think of my previous social encounters with them. I have been in self-inducted isolation for the last month excluding school, and I still came up with a few fears that certain people have suddenly started disliking me. It doesn’t matter if I’ve never seen the person before or ever will see him/her again, regardless of every reasonable thing anyone could tell me, I obsessively observe the person’s actions, facial expressions, body language, tone, clothing and anything else that could give a ‘hint’ of the thoughts going on inside his/her head so that I can guess how he/she is reacting to me.

It all comes down to shame and my assumption that I should assimilate into everyone else’s culture. I’m not allowed to make my own rules. I have to live by what other people think I should do so that they don’t think badly of me. If they do or I think they do, I’m ashamed, sad, confused, embarrassed and regretful. So I avoid living like a normal person. To seem like a normal person. So that everyone would think I’m a wonderful person.

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~ by Ndprs on February 3, 2012.

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