Timeline of my Depression


In school I always hated drawing timelines. So naturally I feel like doing one right now. Maybe it helps me see things from a larger scope. And maybe unicorns on rainbows.

1)

Starting at a new school after finishing high school in the spring of 2010. Currently in my longest relationship that started halfway through highschool. Studying to become a sort of a nurse, a very basic “degree” aiming to give me the possibility of getting a job while studying in a university in the future.

In October moving into my first apartment together with my girlfriend. My parents help out a bit on the rent and we pay for the rest with our (student) social security money. It’s a small place even for one person, but we somehow fit in.

2)

Shit starts rolling downhill. After drinking and getting into a stupid argument I decide to break up with my girlfriend. It had been on my mind for a long time then, because she had been very depressed for the last year or so and I had had to endure her mood swings, self-destructive behavior etc. The next day I decide to go with the last night’s decision as I thought “I finally made up my mind about this yesterday, maybe it’s the right choice although I’m not sure”. Thus exporting her from the apartment and leaving me alone in here. For the next few weeks I feel free-er than before and can think that it was for the best. I’m no longer chained by anything or anyone and don’t have to deal with an unpredictable person.

3)

No longer that happy. Starting to get depressed about being lonely in my apartment in a new city. School stressing me out a lot as I have little energy for any homework. I start drinking to feel better, often I’d go to school for a few hours and then stop by the liquor store before going back home in the early afternoon. I meet my ex a few times, sometimes ending up in sex and talks about getting back together until she says “no” the next day.

4)

Drinking even more, getting even more depressed. Anxiousness starting to rise and I lose sleep. The upcoming work practice period of school is stressing my mind as it’ll require a lot of mental effort to go through. I start using my anti-anxiousness drugs to get at least some sleep, as they’re strong enough to make me very drowsy (I was supposed to take them the night before I “needed” the drug’s effect). The side effect of the drug is lowered quality of sleep, so even though I got at least a few hours every night I was always tired. The balance here was mostly about being or not being aware, awake and sober enough to feel the anxiety and sadness of my situation. The goal was always to somehow make myself numb enough so I wouldn’t be completely shut down by my feelings.

5)

March of 2011, the darkest time of my life starts by a complete mental meltdown during the work practice in a retirement home. I quit the school as a trembling shadow of a person after stretching myself to the limit for the last week. In the end I couldn’t take any more and had to admit defeat: I couldn’t finish the studies. At this point I’m in no shape to even consider looking for a job, so I just waste time at home, drinking, using the prescription drugs I have left and trying to fill my concentration on any kind of entertainment: tv-shows, movies, games etc. I started visiting my parents often when the anxiety was so overwhelming I felt I could die from the pure feeling. This continues on until the summer, as I just live day by day trying to occupy my mind so it doesn’t have the time to think or feel anything. I start going to a psychologist my mother promised to pay for.

6)

I’ve met a girl who becomes my girlfriend over the summer and for the first time in 2011 I didn’t feel like shit. There were some darker times and lots of better times, but overall it felt like just being with her eased most of the pressure off my chest. I started neglecting the process of building my “own” life that I had to start earlier during the year, as it felt like life was good with her, as none of the problems I had mattered anymore. The loneliness was overcome whenever I was with her and even when I was alone but knew I’d see her again soon. The anxiousness regarding my life’s pointlessness and lack of direction was gone as my life seemed much more meaningful. I start in a new school and different studies: information and communication technology. No more mind-straining human contact, something easier for my over-analytical, neurotic mind.

7)

She dumps me, as she feels I’m “not the right person for her”. She wants to keep me as a friend.

My mind shattered again at that point as I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see any reason for it. I couldn’t undestand what was going on and was trying to reason some way to put us together again. Maybe I could do something differently or fix the problems? No. I went back to the mental situation of March. I realize I had built everything in belief that she would be with me, and that I didn’t have anything worthwhile in my life.

8)

I continue the school, trying my best to hold tears back for the first few weeks and keep up my image. I start the mechanical routine of going to school in the morning, coming back home in the afternoon and trying my best to kill time and occupy my mind until late night when I can get sleep again.

I visit a doctor to get new drugs that are supposed to help with depression, anxiety and insomnia. They numb me enough to keep the worst feelings away, and I happily accept the zombified state that doesn’t allow my emotions to rise too high or dip too low.

I drink more again, and get into some trouble by it. I stop caring about everything: school, myself, my friends, my band. I start developing self-destructive thoughts and habits. Drinking has it’s toll of making me even more anxious, to the point that every hangover feels like my life crumbles down and I could lie down to die. No longer caring about consequences of anything I get into more trouble, doing things that affect both me and the people close to me. My earlier ex contacts me again and we go for a few drinks every once in a while even though I feel like shit every time I see or even think of her. At some point she tells me that she could get together with me if I wasn’t depressed and was more “stable”. This creates two warring sides to my mind, as part of me doesn’t want to see her as she makes me tremble down to the core but she created a small ray of hope that if or when I get better I could have her again. At this point she’s been cured of her depression for quite some time already.

After a while I get so drunk that anything could’ve happened unless my friends had noticed me on the street and picked me up, bringing me to our band rehearsal place to sleep.

This was probably one of the scariest experiences in my life and made me realize that I have to stop acting like that. I apologize to my friends and promise to start getting better. It doesn’t change the things I had already done, and I still don’t know all the consequences of them.

9)

I meet some new people through my bandmates. My first ex also hangs out, as we belong to the same social circle. She starts dating one of the guys I just met, basically trashing that hope in my head and ruining the new social contacts for me: I can’t do anything with them without seeing my ex. I lock myself completely out of the surrounding world for a month, as I don’t want to see or hear of anything and don’t want anyone to contact me. In the end the social deprivation makes me feel a bit better – by making me not feel like crap because of seeing people.

10)

This is now, last post explains most of it: I’m still depressed, my thoughts still make me anxious and my situation in life hasn’t improved. I go to school and come back home to kill time, having little real human interaction or activity. My ex’s are a burden to my mind as they still try to keep in touch. I try to muster the willpower to keep my decision of getting over all this, but willpower isn’t something I always have.

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~ by Ndprs on February 7, 2012.

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