What is Anxiety?

It is the word I use the most when writing this blog and describing my emotions. It’s something that doesn’t translate very well from Finnish and feels like it loses some of its meaning in the process. It’s something threatening, scary, overwhelming, painful, uncontrollable and paralyzing.

 

 

It can be the paranoid feeling of “what if I look stupid” when in the middle of a public place, turning all of my attention to my appearance and trying to figure out if I look OK without showing others hints of how panicked I am. The paranoia can set in when my mind comes up with a thought like “what if he/she/they didn’t like me? What if they think I’m and idiot and would prefer not to ever see me again?”

My whole life disappears from around me at that point. There is nothing in the world except a lightless room full of doubt and myself trying to figure out what to do, how to avoid the humiliation? How to not have to face the possible degradation when those people tell me or give hints that I’m not wanted? Should I start avoiding them? A single thought, a scenario that my brain simulates for me, sets the wheels in motion fueled by the paranoid anxiety, leaving me too scared to find out what the reality is.

 

When I’m thinking about my ex girlfriends and current situation in life, it’s the cold stab in the chest that says “that’s what you’ve lost and will never get again”. It freezes my capability to do anything except look for something that prevents me from remembering it. The suffering only needs one stimulus to activate, anything that reminds me of those past relationships or happy moments. I can’t let myself think of them or I drown in sorrow. I have to occupy my mind, I have to forget that I wasn’t always depressed.

If I remember being happy, if I remember what it was like to have someone to love, my life isn’t just the boring shade of gray I usually perceive it in. It turns darker. I see my downfalls, I see how high I had been and how deep I’ve gone. My crawl upwards by the little things I enjoy in life have no meaning when the scale is so high, a leap forward by itself seems like a big thing but when you’ve still got a mountain to climb it seems pointless, a wasted effort.

 

 

Advertisements

~ by Ndprs on February 8, 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: