Trouble Functioning

Why do I have difficulties performing simple, everyday things? Because everything I see and do has to go through my problems of anxiety and fears. I don’t think of my life as myself in the middle of the picture and school, hobbies and problems around me in a circle. Instead, I’m on the other far side, everything I have to do is on the other and between every single thing are my problems and fears, both in general and towards the particular issue.

For example, between me and taking out the trash or doing laundry: dressing up (between me and that: finding something that’s not filthy and feels comfortable enough) and picking up the bags and going out to the trash cans or down to the laundry room: do I look stupid while carrying them? Am I doing something wrong by that? Will there be somebody else on the way?

Going to school: going to sleep early enough and waking up (Will I get enough sleep? Can I manage to get up? Will I have enough energy to get ready? Am I feeling secure and confident enough to leave home? What happens if I skip today?), dressing up, taking the tram (Anxiety in public transportation, Ticket valid?, Will i make it in time? etc), coursework (Something late? Something difficult I have to do and am unsure about? Do I have to have a presentation?), being with people and being in school (I hope I don’t embarrass myself, I hope I feel comfortable, I hope I don’t feel sick, nauseous or tired like I often do, I hope I can focus and learn something), eating in the cafeteria (Will I be able to eat, or am I too nervous/anxious? Is the food something I can eat? Will the queue take long? Do I have cash or do I have to spend time paying with my credit card? How will I feel after I’ve eaten? Should I go to the bathroom before eating so I don’t have to go in the middle of it?) and so on.

It’s not that going to school or doing something else is difficult by itself, but because of all the pressure and uncertainty surrounding it that makes every task require a load of mental effort to get through.

All of this is affected by the current mood or feel I have at the moment: being confident, relaxed and physically comfortable  vs being stressed or insecure and e.g., being nauseous, tired or otherwise not feeling well.

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~ by Ndprs on April 10, 2012.

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