One thing I always liked about myself when growing up was that I thought I was smart and good at focusing at things. Nowadays I’ve expressed a feeling that I would prefer not to think or focus so much.

I never thought I’d be having this thought: it seems I quite likely have developed some sort of an attention disorder over the years.

I’m always thinking about the next step in anything I do, because I can’t keep my concentration on the thing I’m doing at the moment. I often find myself unable to enjoy a moment because I’m already moving to the next one in my mind.
I can’t really just sit still and do nothing – at home, at school, on a subway, anywhere. I need to have something to do, to read, to keep my mind occupied. The reason I love my smartphone is that it always gives me something to play with. Even if I’ve already checked my Facebook five times in the last 30 minutes, I can still at least see if there’s anything new (usually not) and spend some time and focus by reading through the old posts.
It feels very hard to stop and get to writing a school work because I’m addicted to all the visual and auditory stimulants I can overflow myself with on my computer. Its difficult to work on a project while watching a tv-show in a smaller window, but it seems even harder if there’s nothing else to “do” at the same time as well.

I could probably name half a dozen more reasons for my doubts, but I won’t since it would require me to sit and focus too long – I want to end and publish this post.

Although the root of these symptoms seems to be the anxiety I try to avoid, I think they’ve gotten to living a life of their own in my mind now, regardless if there’s any anxiety to avoid or not.


~ by Ndprs on March 3, 2013.

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