Illusion Revealed

At some point I thought I was done with this blog. It was based on the thought that I hadn’t felt like writing anything for a while. However, it didn’t mean things had improved by any standard.

During the spring or start of summer, I had quit my band, and also quit my medication. Because of the latter, I started feeling more emotional and open to a wide variety of thoughts and feelings I had suppressed willingly or unknowingly. The former was something I tried not to think too much about. I quit, I gave a reasoned message why and was prepared to move on.

During the summer I did what I do best – kill time with tv-shows and games, trying to live off of social security while looking for a job that I felt like I could handle. Suddenly, it was July and I hadn’t found one and practically started living the idea that I’d spend another summer leeching off the city of Helsinki. Of course this came to bite me in the ass in August as that social security told me to withdraw my student loan meant for the whole year as a way to pay rent, bills and expenses that month. Even though school didn’t start until almost September.

Somewhere between being a nerve-wreck about the upcoming innovation project course worth half the semester and not having any social contact with my previous ‘bandmates’ and other band-related acquaintances, I had a moment of frustration and decided to cut ties to all people of the past I no longer had any business with. It didn’t take much to notice that had meant most, if not all, of the so-called contacts I had in the first place (excluding family and people I have to see frequently at school at the moment, who might be awkward to ‘delete’).

So what changed? Simply put, I no longer thought I was alone around people I sometimes hanged around with if an event took place where I’d participate. I knew I was alone. After removing meaningless ties to those I never saw, never talked with or never did anything with, there were no people left. And as I had imagined, the moment I quit the band, those people fell into the same category.

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~ by Ndprs on October 6, 2013.

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